1 我怎么能够把你来比作夏天？
2 你不独比它可爱也比它温婉：
3 狂风把五月宠爱的嫩蕊作践， “嫩蕊”似乎不应由“五月”来“宠爱”
4 夏天出赁的期限又未免太短： lease有“租赁期”、“持续期”等义，此处应取后者
5 天上的眼睛有时照得太酷烈， “眼睛…照”搭配不佳，shine可作“发光”解
6 它那炳耀的金颜又常遭掩蔽： “炳耀”一词太文，且可有可无
7 被机缘或无常的天道所摧折， “机缘”含褒义，有悖于“摧折”一词的感情色彩
8 没有芳艳不终于雕残或销毁。 “没有…不终于”不符合中文行文习惯，且很拗口
9 但是你的长夏永远不会凋落， “长夏凋落”搭配不佳
10 也不会损失你这皎洁的红芳， “皎洁”是白色，与“红芳”搭配，矛盾
11 或死神夸口你在他影里漂泊， 此句句意与上下文脱节
12 当你在不朽的诗里与时同长。 “与时同长”不符合中文行文习惯
13 只要一天有人类，或人有眼睛， or译为“或”，很生硬
14 这诗将长存，并且赐给你生命。
If I could take you like summer?
Although you are more lovely and more temperate than summer:
The wind will make May the darling buds of a flower,
Summer has time is fleeting;
Sometimes too hot the eye of heaven shines；
It was also often obscured golden;
And a thousand fragrant Wan Yan will float away,
Is the Tao turnover stripped off confidante;
But thy eternal summer shall not fade,
You have beauty will never disappear,
Death brag thou wander'st in the shadow of death
When you are immortal poems eternal flower;
As long as there is human survival, or eyes,
My poem will spread and give your life.
恩 不知道能不能帮到你
Shall i compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease hath all too short a date:
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm'd;
And every fair sometime declines,
By chance,or nature's changing course,untrimm'd
But thy eternal summer shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest;
Nor shall death brag thou wander'st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou growest:
So long as men can bresthe or eyes can see,
So long lives this gives life too thee.
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