跪求 急需 一篇英语演讲稿 大概5分钟左右的

Bad News and Good News好消息＆坏消息！

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I＇ve got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."

一名艺术家问画廊老板，最近有没有人对他展出的画感兴趣。“这有好消息和坏消息，”老板回答。“好消息是有一位先生咨询你的作品，他想知道在你死后你的画会不会升值。我告诉他你的画会升值，他就把你的15幅画全都买走了。”

“真是太好了”，艺术家是喜形于色，“那坏消息是什么？”带着关心的口吻，画廊老板回答，“买画的人是你的医生”。

Keys? Kiss?

A friend of mine was giving an English lesson to a class of adult who had recently come to live in the United States. After placing quite a number of everyday objects on a table, he asked various members of the class to give him the ruler, the book, the pen and so on. The class went very smoothly and the students seemed interested and serious about the work that they were engaged in until when my friend turned to an Italian student and said, "Give me the kays." The man looked surprised and somewhat at a loss. Seeing this, my friend thought that the student hadn't heard him clearly, so he repeated. "Give me the kays." The Italian shrugged his shoulders. Then, he threw his arms around the teacher's neck and kissed him on both cheeks.

钥匙还是接吻

　　我的一位朋友在给一个成人学生班级上英语课。他们都是新近来美国生活的。在一张桌子上摆了许多日常用品之后，他请全班同学给他挑出尺子，书本，钢笔等。课进行得井然有序，学生们对自己所做的似乎很感兴趣，也很认真。后来轮到一名来自意大利的学生，我的朋友说：“给我钥匙。”那人看起来非常吃惊，也有点手足无措。看到这种情况，我的朋友想是他没有听清楚，于是又重复了一遍：“给我钥匙。”那位意大利学生耸了耸肩。接着，他伸出胳膊搂住老师的脖子在双颊上亲了两下。

Drunk

One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions.

Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?"

"Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."

"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"

醉酒

一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。

他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？”

“唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。”

“可是，爸爸，”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！”

4 - 4 = ？

One day, the teacher inquired of Peter: "How much is four minus four? "

Peter was tongue-tied.

The teacher got angry and said: "What a fool! You see, if I put four coins in your pocket, but there is a hole in your pocket and all of them leak out, now what is left in your pocket?"

"The hole," replied Peter.

四减四等于几？

一天，老师问彼得：“4减4等于几？”

彼得张口结舌答不上来。

老师生气地说：“真笨！你想，我要是往你口袋里放四个硬币，而你的口袋上有个窟窿，硬币全漏掉了，那么，你衣袋里还剩下什么？”

“还剩下个窟窿。”彼得答道。

不知道我理解的对不对。。。 对的话，自己稍添点儿东西就可以了。不对的话。。。

　　Meet the Universiade and learn English well
　　Hello everyone! I am glad to be here to share my views with you! I am from Class X Grade X,XXXXX School. I have a lot of hobbies and my mark was always excellently. I think learn English well can be little volunteers. So if a foreign tourist ask me some questions, I can easily help him . It also can let the foreigners think our Chinese are friendly and warm.
　　The 26th Summer Universiade will be held in August in 2011.We should learn some knowledge about it. The stadium is in Longgang District. The mascot of the Universiade is “UU”. “UU” has a smile on her face. She is happy and colorful。“Happy U” is the emblem of the Shenzhen Summer Universiade. Everyone is excited about the Shenzhen Summer Universiade.
　　As a Shenzhen citizen, we should protect the environment and be polite to others. We shouldn’t disrespect our elders and we shouldn’t fight. Also remember that this civilization terminology: "please" "hello" and "thank you" "sorry" and "good-bye” and so on.
　　Let us learn English well and meet the Shenzhen Summer Universiade！
　　绝对原创

不错的啊